My family and I had a wonderful trip to Hilton Head Island, SC this summer. We purchased a townhome/villa/condo (whatever your flavor of terminology is 🙂 on April 1st and we went out in June. I stayed there for 10 days and Sheri and the boys stayed for 3 weeks. (Sheri’s parents came out for a week in there too).
We worked a lot but had a fantastic time!
Being home alone for a couple weeks, I just couldn’t shake this HUGE feeling of nostalgia and sadness for times past.
Also, the realization that Payton is now going to be a Junior in high school, Isaac is beginning freshman year.
Time is FLYING BY!!
Yesterday, we celebrated Independence Day. Isaac spent the night at a friend’s house the night before, so we met the family in Golden (they are great friends of ours as well) and the boys waded into the cold waters of Clear Creek.
After that, we went to another family friend’s barbeque for a bit before heading to the Broomfield Commons and the high schoolers played volleyball while we sat with my brother and sister-in-law.
It was a great day.
The nostalgia ran deep though, beginning early in the morning. Facebook had a “remember when on this date” feature that showed us celebrating July 4th through the years.
Those were just a few.
Needless to say, a few tears were shed (mostly by me).
These past few weeks I have been struck (an apt word actually) right in the feels about how fast time has gone, and continues to move.
I love my life.
I love my family.
I love all the amazing times we have shared throughout these years and yet I cannot help but feel sad that those times are in the past. I know there will always be better and more amazing times ahead, but this week I am REALLY missing times gone by.
I also found myself wondering if that during all these years, have I been the father and husband that these amazing human beings deserve. I found myself doubting. I found myself yearning to hug them a bit tighter.
I want to go back in time and re-experience holding them on my chest when they were babies as we both fall asleep in my recliner. I long to lay with them camping while staring at the stars and listen to their amazement at the vast universe spread out before our eyes. I want to go back to coaching them in youth rec soccer and watch them running around in a herd chasing after that soccer ball. I want to go back to reading to them at night, and make sure I am choosing books and directing conversation that will help me mold them into the truly amazing humans they are and will become.
I also realize all of these yearnings come from MY WANTING more than theirs.
They are wonderful young men and I know the world is a better place due to their presence. I know that as a father, I’ve done pretty well, even if I will always believe I could’ve done better.
After I left Hilton Head, I received an email from Jon Gordon that touched on these feelings. Check out this snippet below:
So, I still am having a serious case of all the nostalgia feels. But these words helped me realize that I have and continually will share these gifts with them from now until the end of time.
I miss the old times. To be honest, I miss everyday I have had with them up until today. And I know one day I will miss today as well.
Those feelings are built into the tremendous love I have for them.
I know that I will continue to have days like this.
I also know that I am looking forward to seeing them after work today. Even if it is after they are done hanging out with their friends.
I love my family fiercely and I know that they love me fiercely back.
Have a wonderful Monday and make sure to spend some time with the ones you love, if only to savor the pain of missing that time when the passage of time doesn’t allow them to be right beside you down the road.
I recently discovered the term “toxic positivity.”
Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. It’s a “good vibes only” approach. (Taken from http://www.verywellmind.com)
I choose to be positive, and I write about positivity not because I see the world through rose-colored glasses, but because I decide to realize the world is a beautiful place.
I whole-heartedly believe that when circumstances are awful, we should recognize that, allow ourselves to grieve, mourn, cry, get frustrated, angry and lash out some even.
It is always ok to not be ok.
However, I also believe that it is up to ourselves to change our situation for the future. It is up to us to learn from any challenge and apply it toward a growth mindset.
The only way positivity can be toxic is in the absence of empathy. If someone (even if it is yourself) is going through some horrible situations, I don’t believe we should talk to them (ourselves) about maintaining positivity without acknowledging THE SUCK of the situation. First and foremost, be kind, listen, hug, comfort.
Also realize that part of the comfort is the belief/faith that all things pass and life will move on and in fact can become better, eventually.
“That’s what alchemists do. They show that, when we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
TRUTH!
When we strive to improve ourselves, the AMAZING “side effect” is that we will improve those around us as well.
When you shine your light, you brighten everyone else’s day.
Don’t make the (all to common) mistake of thinking that moving toward your goals, your successes, somehow lessens those around us. That is a HUGE falsehood, and unfortunately, stifles so many people from achieving their goals.
Abundance is not limited.
If you are working toward improvement, and you do so with compassion, love, grit and not by stepping on those around you, you will help, not hinder others. On that note: If you achieve any success by pushing others down so that you may gain ground, that success will most definitely be short lived and shallow. (Most people do not fall into this category. I truly believe most people want to improve their lives, and not hurt others in the process).
So, today, work toward achievement, and take comfort in the FACT, your success only HELPS those around you.
“Because, once we have overcome the defeats-and we always do-we are filled by a greater sense of euphoria and confidence. In the silence of our hearts, we know that we are proving ourselves worthy of the miracle of life.”-Paulo Coelho, Rio de janeiro, Novemebr 2002 (from the forward in The Alchemist)
I love this book!
I have read it a few times already and am re-reading again.
Such a simple, but moving story about following your soul’s purpose, especially when you aren’t even sure exactly what that purpose is. As long as you are doing things in life that light you up a bit, that make you feel antsy inside but also warmth, you are on the right track.
The key is to do something, anything that lights you up a bit inside. Follow the “omens” as Paulo describes them, and you will find happiness, in fact you will CREATE happiness, in your life.
I highly recommend this brief read (multiple times).
Their music always seems as if it comes directly from their souls.
Many songs are uplifting, and all of them seem to tug at heart strings (at least a little bit).
One song I have recently discovered is “Better Man.”
I love this stanza:
“Oh my hands to serve and love My eyes to see and not to judge My spirit now to rise within And reign over my carnal skin“
As a chiropractor, any song that alludes to my hands serving already has me listening, but this stanza to me could be a meditation phrase, or a prayer for life.
And the chorus:
“And oh I just want to be a better man And oh I just want to be a better man, yeah And oh I just want to be a better man And oh I just want to be a better man As I go“
The chorus is pretty great too! I like to change the last line though from “As I go” to “As I GROW.” (I don’t think Judah nor his lion would mind me singing that to myself in my car).
As a business owner, especially as a chiropractor, I can tend to think of growth in #s, volume, etc. But this song reminds me that the true GROWTH I am looking for is growth from within. I want to grow as a person, father, husband, doctor, friend. I want to improve in all aspects, and the pacing of the song reminds me that growth is not meant to happen RIGHT AWAY.
I truly do want to grow to be a better man, and that growth feels best (and lasts) when it comes from my desire to serve, love, see and not judge, and when all of that combined comes from my spirit. So that is what I am going to work on daily…
“Speed is about time, but it’s also closely related to endurance and effort. The faster the speed, the thinking goes, the less endurance or effort required. Patience, on the other hand, requires endurance and effort.”- Taken from Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, by Lori Gottlieb
Later, in the same book (about a page later), she quotes the psychoanalyst Erich Fromm: “Modern man thinks he loses something-time- when he does not do things quickly; yet he does not know what to do with the time he gains except kill it.”
Our world is filled with a lot of hurry, hurry, now, now.
We want results/things/growth/success/our haircut/our food/our dose of dopamine (social media, I’m looking at you)/our purchases/our everything as soon as we give even the thoughts our energy.
Patience is not modern human’s virtue.
The conundrum is that the time spent waiting, the time spent in patience, the time spent just BE-ing bears more fruit for the soul than the actual “getting.”
Spend some time in a cam state today. Revel in the patience, it will bring much better dividends than the pressure-filled moments do.
In fact, I wrote a whole chapter about this in my book (I will share it below).
So many times we (myself included) use perfectionism as an excuse to not step forward, to not attempt, to not complete.
It is rather convenient that we want things to be “perfect” so we don’t finish, or even start.
We need to stop lying to ourselves (and indeed the world)…
Start, step, finish whatever you are holding off on (until its perfect), because I hate to break it to you, but “PERFECT” is impossible.
Have an awesome Thursday!
-Dr. Lindeman
P.S. Here is the chapter from my book:
Perfekshun
“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence I can reach for; perfection is God’s business.”-Michael J Fox
The desire for the perfect opportunity has most assuredly destroyed more amazing discoveries than any plague in history. Just think about all the amazing ideas that people have, the songs or art they want to create, but they wait until the ideal opportunity to begin or to release their creativity. That “perfect” opportunity may never come along and so all these amazing ideas and creations never even make it off the starting blocks.
Ever heard the story of the invention of the Post-it note? In 1968 Spencer Silver, and employee at the 3M company, was trying to create a super strong adhesives to aid in building planes. Instead, he accidentally created a very weak adhesive. Rather than give up on the “failed” product, Silver kept sharing it with other employees. It wasn’t until 1973 when the product found a use. Art Fry, a chemical engineer and member of a church choir in St. Paul, Minnesota approached Silver about his adhesive. He needed something to keep his song page markers stick in his hymn book. They realized they could put the glue on a piece of paper and stick it to anything-and the Post-It Note was created. Even more amazing, the company didn’t think it would be very popular so they shelved it until 1977. The product was a flop at first, but they reintroduced it with more gusto and has since become one of the top five best selling office supply products ever made. All because Mr. Silver’s imperfect accident (11).
In my life, I have struggled with perfectionism. It took me quite a while (years in fact) to sit down and write this book. Thoughts in my head swirled around about having to be the perfect time, or I had to wait until I have some monumentally impactful success that the world as a whole knew about. I needed the perfect theme, the perfect audience, the perfect voice. I held myself back under the guise of perfection. The funny thing was, I have been writing my entire life. I had a 400 some odd (typed) page journal (it wasn’t a diary thank you very much) in high school. I took creative writing classes whenever I could. My first major in college was Journalism (until I found I couldn’t be as creative in my writing in those classes as I truly wanted to be). I’ve always had some sort of notebook to jot things down in. I just didn’t share my writing with too many people, unless the “perfect” phrase or sentence popped into my head. I was afraid. Perfectionism was my mask.
Obviously, I’ve gotten over that somewhat, or you wouldn’t be reading this now. The more I learned about self-improvement and success, the more I realized that no one could ever be perfect. This book isn’t perfect by any stretch. But, I realized that if I truly want to share myself with the world, if I want to try to help others, one of the best ways is to be vulnerable and not hide my imperfections. I realized that the mask of perfectionism I was hiding behind was actually just smothering. The lofty mantle of perfectionism that I held onto needed to crumble.
Perfectionism has been looked at as a positive trait over the past few generations. I’m sure in some ways, you admire the people that you give the label “Perfectionist” to, they seem like lofty individuals. They are motivated, passionate, courageous and meticulous. Perfectionists are meticulous, they are successful and they are idols, or so you think. The problem is “perfectionism” is not the same as “strong work-ethic.” There is a HUGE difference between the two.
A strong work ethic is truly admirable. It is marvelous to strive for excellence or mastery and that cannot be accomplished without a strong work ethic. A strong work ethic enables people to get things done, to improve their craft and to help others in the process. Perfection on the other hand screams of selfishness. Perfection is never good enough. Nothing in the world is truly perfect. And honestly, the entire world is based upon our perception of it. Something that you deem as “perfect” is probably garbage to someone else. (If you need proof, remember someone thought Gangnam Style was the perfect song when it was released).
Perfectionism is an absolute lie. Many times you may wait until you think things are “perfect” before you take a chance. You hide behind the veil of perfection and ostensibly sit in a corner and suck your thumbs because you are too afraid to take that first step. You may chastise yourself for not being perfect, which then allows you to stay down, to bury your light and hide your gifts and ultimately stay exactly where you are. Perfectionism is actually rooted in shame and fear. You hold onto an idea or creation until it is “perfect”- when in actuality the motive for doing so is you are afraid others might see its flaws, and therefore will see your flaws. After-all it’s so much easier to hide behind trying to be perfect than to actually just TRY. To truly “strive for perfection” just opens the door to lying down, taking a long nap and just giving up all together. If you truly know, as I am sure you do, that perfect is impossible, how hard is it to nix “giving it our all” if you know it won’t be perfect? Many times you opt to never start in the first place?
I completely believe that having HUGE goals is necessary in order to allow our inspiration to flourish, to succeed and to make an impact on the world. Strive for excellence and keep stretching how excellent you can be. However, attempting perfection is nothing but an artificial pursuit. In all your endeavors do the best you possibly can, and you will notice that “best” grows and grows and grows. Excellence, success, positivity, all of these things can expand and improve. The true meaning of perfection calls to mind a cold, immovable, solid…end. And truly, if you are following your passions, you don’t want them to end. You don’t want a truly finished product. You want creativity and happiness and purpose to allow continual refinement. One of the most amazing things about being human is the ability to re-imagine, amend, build on and enhance things constantly. You will never be “out of stock” in your ability to build amazing things, share new thoughts or create beautiful art.
But what if someone actually created THE PERFECT cup of coffee, or THE PERFECT book, THE PERFECT anything? You can’t improve upon perfect. If you ever connected to yourself so wholeheartedly that next Tuesday, you found your purpose, and you found a way to deliver it perfectly… what would you do the following Tuesday? (I say ‘the following Tuesday’ because I’m assuming you have some amazing parties for the next 6 days following your discovery). The next logical step would be to give up. Once perfection is truly attained, would it not simply become boring? And that is not what you are here to do. So in reality, when you say you are perfectionists, you really are giving up at the beginning, or you are destined to give up once the project is finished. Neither sound very admirable in that light.
“Striving for perfection” is an exercise in futility. Your purpose is not futile. Don’t hold yourself back by trying to be perfect. Don’t be so delusional to think that whatever you create will be perfect. Hopefully you are in-tune with your passion, and you combine that with inspiration and truly produce excellence, in fact I have no doubt that is what you will do, but the beauty of excellence is you can continue to excel. So go for growth, go for beauty, go for inspiration and as Michael J Fox said, keep perfection in the hands of God.
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Dissemination of Inspiration 